The Soccer Witch Project

A bittersweet story about what an ass I am. Well, bitter to me, sweet to the guys who were laughing at me. Posted it for the first time Tuesday, October 10, 2006

My pal Jamie flew into Austin recently to meet with some guys about a project they're working on. He was to be talking with David Goyer (who wrote a couple of the Blade movies and is currently writing/directing the Flash movie) and the Blair Witch guys, Ed, Mike, and Gregg (who just completed production on an adaptation of Jamie's reverse-alien-abduction script "Altered").

Jamie invited me to come up and say howdy Sunday night. We sat on the roof of the Omni Hotel and looked out at the city. It was the second highest point in the city, the highest point being that ginormous Frost Bank building that looks like something out of Metropolis, which lowered over us, lit up like a second moon. I'd seen it coming up over the past few years, but I don't think I'd ever seen the lights on. You could read by it. It's like those lights they have in downtown Austin, designed to keep coeds safe when walking at night. Bright.

Goyer had left the night before, but we were joined there by John Pierson (author of "Spike, Mike, Slackers & Dykes," host of the IFC show "Split Screen," new UT professor) and his wife Janet (world-traveler, raconteur, board-member of the Austin Film Society). They'd early on been supporters of "Blair Witch," got a thank-you in the credits. We spent the evening telling stories and laughing, generally a good time. John and Janet had spent time running a theater in Fiji (there's a documentary called "Reel Paradise" on the way), acting as sort of cinema missionaries. They tell me "Sorority Boys" was far and away the most popular movie ever shown there. Men wearing women's clothing is a big success with the island folk. Something to remember when trying to market that Fijian romcom you've been working on.

Somehow, the subject of Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson came up. Maybe he's well-loved in Fiji, I forget. But Gregg mentioned the movie "The Scorpion King," a spin-off from "The Mummy" series, and I was inspired to tell my Soccer Dog story. (Hold on, this starts making sense in a moment.)

Years ago, my noir thriller script "80 Proof" did pretty well in the Nicholl Fellowship screenwriting competition, put on by the Oscar folks, AMPAS. It brought me a brief period of hot (well, lukewarm), and I was contacted by a few different producers, all of whom were smaller than they'd let on (naturally, that's what a producer is, unless you've heard of him or her). And all of whom told me how wonderfully dark and twisted my script was, and how they loved the main character and narrator, a tough-talking, alcoholic, and misogynistic victim of a brutal (there could be any other kind?) immolation.

Among those who contacted me was a fellow who'd completed a submarine drama with William H. Macy (the one from "Boogie Nights" and "Fargo," not the one from "Maude"). He was developing two other projects, a proposed sequel to "The Scorpion King," (told you I'd get to it), and the latest installment of the "Soccer Dog" franchise, some sort of B-level "Air Bud" knock-off (which would probably make it C-level or lower, I guess). And, with my dark and cynical tone, I'd be perfect for... "Soccer Dog 2: Electric Boogaloo." (No, that wasn't really the title...)

Big laugh from the Blair Witch gang, and they started riffing on the possibilities, developing in their minds an "animals playing sports" film festival, hah-hah, good times. Except for Ed, who slanted his eyes at me and asked, "did you do it?" I confessed that I didn't, and he looked away. I was officially dismissed. Jamie told me that, in later conversation, they thought I should've done it. Anything for a credit, I suppose.

Only, the producer wasn't willing to pay -- not just not enough, but at all, saying I'd get a cut of the back end. Which means, I need hardly mention, no money at all, a position I've been in too often, and don't want to be in again. An IMDb search reveals that there was indeed a sequel, "Soccer Dog: European Cup," and I suppose it's possible I'd have snagged a trip to the Continent out of it (but that doesn't seem likely). As far as I can tell, there was no "Scorpion King" sequel, so I suppose it's best he didn't offer that (I might've done it).

At the end of the night, Mike wished me good luck with "Soccer Dog," and I laughed, but not hard. They'll remember me as "Soccer Dog" from here on out.

My own fault, I suppose. I could've been "Gay SciFi Guy."